Hi!

Thank you so much for writing in. I can’t even imagine how difficult of a situation you are in right now. No one likes when their parents are fighting. No one likes questioning whether or not their friendships are real. And honestly, who actually likes the cold weather? But all those combined? And then add that you are in a completely new country? It must be so overwhelming and difficult and, of course, incredibly lonely.  

And even if someone likes to be alone, I don’t think anyone likes feeling lonely. Even though they seem similar, they are wildly different in nature. Being alone is a choice to spent time with oneself. It’s something you choose and it’s something you have control over. Feeling lonely is kind of the opposite, isn’t it? It’s something that you feel like happens to you. It’s something we feel as if we have no control over whatsoever. Which is partly true, but luckily not completely.

It’s true that there are things you can’t control. I don’t know the nature of you moving to Denmark. It may have been something you wanted, and it may have been something forced upon you. Either way, it must feel like a lapse of control. New infrastructure, new foods, a new very difficult language. It’s something that’s easy to take for granted when you are used to all those small things that make up the everyday life. Having to relearn all the details and “of course it functions like this” must be frustrating and honestly a little scary. But you will get used to it. You have probably been told that so many times before, and it must mean very little to hear from yet another person, but I hope you will take it to heart anyway. Because when everything is cold and dark and scary, isn’t the small candle of hope the best thing to keep us warm inside?

You write that your parents are having problems and I’m really sorry to hear that. When you feel scared and alone, your parents are the ones you should be able to find an anchor in... but I can’t help but think about your parent’s experience in all this. All the difficult things you describe, are things your parents are probably feeling as well. Parents get lonely without friends too. Parents get scared and cold and overwhelmed just like you. And sometimes, when parents are struggling, they unfortunately take it out on each other. It’s not a good coping strategy and it’s not something they want to do, but sometimes it’s just what happens. Parents sometimes blame each other for not helping with the dishes or cleaning, when they are not actually mad about anything like that, but just because they are struggling themselves, and need an outlet. Especially when parents just want to make everything perfect for the child they love oh so much and feel a desire to make everything perfect for them.

I am not saying that your parents’ problems are your fault at all, because I do not believe that for a second. I am bringing up this perspective to maybe help you understand. Adults can be very silly, and especially parents. Sometimes they get so caught up on trying to make everything perfect, or at least just easier, that they end up making things more difficult by accident.

Do you know how your parents feel about the move to Denmark? You don’t need to be an emotional support for your parents, so if you aren’t comfortable asking, you do not have to. But maybe just opening up and talking to you could help. If they are missing your old home and are lonely too, maybe talking about your honest feelings and shared memories would make things a little easier for all of you.

I don’t know your parents’ relationship. Maybe I am completely off the mark, and they have other things they struggle with, but I can’t help but wonder if it isn’t the stressful experience of moving to a new country that’s making things more difficult, at least just a little.

Regarding your friends, I think that feeling is very universal. Not to say it isn’t depressing and sad, because it really, really is. But it is not an experience you need to feel alone in having. You write that you are worried they only became your friends out of sympathy. That must be an awful thought to have running through your head, so I would like to kindly kick that one out of your head. I don’t believe that is true at all. From what I understand, Danish people have a reputation for being rather...unfriendly. Not that we are unkind, but more so that we are not exactly well known for reaching out to people. New and old friends alike.

Why do I say this? I mention this because if we have this reputation around the world, do you think your friends would be the exception? I doubt it. Is there a chance your friends are kind people, and they talked to you at first because they thought perhaps you needed a friend? Sure, that’s completely possible. But talking to someone new to be nice and them becoming friends with them are two completely different things.

I don’t know if the message thing more common in Denmark than around the world... but I do know you aren’t alone in that one too. Just about everyone I know, myself included, have had this complaint every once in a while. “My friends are awful texters” or “I feel like I reach out first every time”. It’s just something that happens sometimes, and yes, it sucks. But as someone who had both had people complaining I don’t reach out enough AND myself complained my friends don’t reach out enough, I have learned one thing to be true: Everyone loves getting a message from their friends. Does it suck to always reach out first? Yes. But there are endless reasons to why it happens to be this way from time to time. Maybe they are super busy with homework lately. Maybe they are struggling a little and don’t have the energy to take initiative. Maybe they honestly just forgot.

Either way, everyone likes getting a small message from their friends. It reminds us that we have people who care about us and thinks about us. Yes, of course, you also want to get that small reminder of affection, and friendships shouldn’t be one-sided, so if you generally feel like you have been making most of the effort for a long time, it is something you should mention to them.

I know that might sound a little scary, but it is actually an incredibly important and useful skill to have later in life. Friendships, like all other relationships, sometimes require some debriefing and talks about HOW the friendship is done in practice. Sometimes we do something that hurt other people, like our friends, without even knowing we do it. If this went on for a long time, without our friends letting us know it hurt them, then the relationship would crumble down the line.

For friendships to last, flourish and grow strong, you sometimes need to talk about “how one does friendship”. So, if you are up for it, I think you should talk to your friends about your feelings. It doesn’t have to be some big declaration. It could just be a small “Hey, I might be silly and overthinking, but I sometimes get a little insecure about our friendship. I feel like I text first a lot, and because I value our friendship as much as I do, I would really like to talk to you about it”.

This way you don’t blame your friends. Like I mentioned earlier, there could be a plethora of good reasons for them not to text first, so I think the smart play here would be to open the conversation in a humble and “I care so much about our friendship” way.

But let’s say you don’t want to talk to your friends about it, and you keep felling lonely... what should you do? You are ALWAYS welcome and wanted in our group chat feature. I know it’s not the same as in-person friends, but it’s a place you can reach out to if you want to.

I don’t know where you live, but I know most municipalities offers some sorts of activities for kids. Sports, theater, music, art and the like. It is a wonderful way to meet other kids your age who like to do the same things you do.

Lastly, you mention the weather....and yeah, I get it, man. It’s so cold right now. I am afraid I don’t really have a lot of comforting perspectives or words here. Maybe ask your parents for a warmer jacket? It’s always a good idea to wear multiple layers as well (you can do it with pants too if it gets too cold). The snow can be fun to play in, when we actually get any, but otherwise the cold is just that.... cold. A lot of Danes don’t like the cold either, so maybe you can use it as a good conversation starter, if you want to text your friends or meet new people. Either way, it will get better soon-ish, so you can look forward to that!

I am sorry if I went on for a little too long, but your message got to me. I don’t know the circumstances of you moving here. I don’t know how you feel about it or what you have been through, but you are not unwelcome or unwanted here. In a small, cold little country, where the people (unfortunately) are known for maybe being a little unfriendly, how lovely it is to have someone like you move here. Someone who seeks connection and the warmth of it, even though it is hard and difficult. Because that’s what you are doing by writing in to us. So, thank you, and I hope my words could help, even if just a little.

Best of wishes,
Juni from Cyberhus